I'm baaaaack

Let me start at the beginning...and when I get to the end...I'll stop.

So, as I have posted before, I went through a miscarriage at the end of Oct. Things are looking up from that. I wasn't particularly far along ( but ask any women, it doesn't matter how far along you are, you still grieve and, to me, still feel like from the time you see that positive test result, you are responsible for that little baby growing inside of you) It hasn't been easy, although, I go around and pretend it is. I think because I was only about 5 weeks along most of the people close to me feel like I should have 'gotten over it' rather quickly. I guess to them it wasn't 'real', it wasn't solid, to them, it wasn't a loss. I've gotten better. I am healing, but I am also trying again! I would have never understood what it takes to TTC after a MC( for those of you unfamiliar with the 'lingo' I'll break down a few simple terms that i may use throughout this particular post  MC= miscarriage, TTC=Trying To Conceive, BD= Baby Dance ( sex to make a baby), AF= Aunt Flo, O=Ovulation.
Whew, it's been too long. So much going on! I've been on a journey lately and it's taking over!I joined a few sites to aid me in taking charge of my fertility( Honestly, I didn't think there was a problem with it, and still don't, but I conceived my first two children with minimal effort) I downloaded apps, I bought sperm-friendly lube, I bought a plethora of home pregnancy tests, OPKs, a basal body thermometer......the list goes on and on. I don't think I'm infertile, or not ovulating or whatever....I just want to feel in control while trying to accomplish something that, ultimately, I have no control over. These sites have actually been a big help to me though. I've never 'planned' to have a baby before. I didn't know what to expect. My favorite site, babycenter.com, has a community of women going through every stage of being a mom, from TTC to dealing with teenagers, from diapers to field trips! Personally, during my journey, I stick with the ones I'll call- The Craies ( still haven't gotten that one key on my keyboard fixed)

These ladies in my group are something else. We look for women on our same cycle "CD 1-anybody with me?" These are our 'cycle buddies'. We chart, we temp, we test. We chart, we temp, we test. When someone gets a BFP (big fat positive) we rejoice. ( but honestly, I think a lot of us grieve and mourn too, we think "Why not me?' Talking to these women, being a part of this group, i sense a camaraderie, we all share one thing in common that has brought us together....wanting a baby. Some are on their first time trying, wishing to be a mother. Others, like myself, have children already and are trying for more. Some are going through a loss, after a loss, after a loss. We are trying IVF, IUI, baking soda, pineapple core, evening primrose oil, Robitussin, the SMEP, laying on our backs 20 mins after sex with our feet in the air like some contorted and amateur acrobats, taking control over our husbands penises like what they carry through them is more important than the man himself. We chart...oh boy do we chart. Honestly, I have looked through so many of those charts I can barely tell a difference anymore. Pregnancy charts look the same and have the same pattern as non pregnancy charts, temps rise and they fall, they rise again and they fall. I hate to admit, I am in a group of 'Chart sharers' We have a hard time discerning our own charts so we post them in hopes that others can tell us what  the hell we are looking at, we comment on charts to try and tell the poster what they are looking at.

I feel insane some days on this journey. I feel like if I come to my hubs with one more 'get pregnant' idea he'll have me committed. I feel ludicrous POAS (peeing on a stick, either OPK or HPT) every day. I have to admit I have become obsessed. I apologize to my husband...not wanting him to REALLY think I'm off my rocker and think 'why do I want to have a baby with this psycho?!" The only time I feel normal, is when I logon to my site and see thousands of women doing the exact same thing as me, with perfectly understanding husbands like mine, who just want to feel like they have some type of control over this part of their lives. I'll say this....I have never been more in tune with my body than I am right now. Honestly, even for non-conceptional purposes, some of the tools I have learned to use should be taught to all young women. Knowing your body is empowering!!! For those of you TTC, I'm with ya, it will happen and we just gotta be patient, get help if it's needed, and listen to our bodies.....For those of you reading just to read...Don't judge us. We know we are insane, at least we are together. 
That's all for today....just had to share. <3